when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize