My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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