cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
