I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
