What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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