don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
