Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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