dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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