JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
