you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
