I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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