i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Blood and glitter go together right?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
