hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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