i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
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