im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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