if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
