one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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