I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
