8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
