Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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