May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Dignity is for republicans.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
