When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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