Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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