dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
