I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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