saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
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