Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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