I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
