okay pat passed out under dana's car
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Blood and glitter go together right?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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