I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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