Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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