I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
