Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
