Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize