your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
