LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
