So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
