just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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