i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
sex in a hospital.. check
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
