I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
