I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
