Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
