I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
