i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
