I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
