i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
