Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
