i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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