Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
