i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
