I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
