i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
