I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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