It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Even my vagina gasped.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
