I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
