dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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