Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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