You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
