alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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