his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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