im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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