Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
