Tell her she can't have a vagina
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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