i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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