He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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