I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
